Letting Go

Why is it sometimes so hard to find the words?
Why is it most often, when I swim into the quiet, clean mildness?
When everything on this world falls into place, and when I feel only peace. Peace in the clean, clear emptiness. In the emptiness, where I still somehow wander alone In the emptiness, where in this loneliness I still feel the people, persons, who are close to me. But I cannot see them. I don’t know. At least it seems that way.

Memory. Where did you go, memory? Memory. Of the old days. Memory. Why do I remember the birth, but nothing from before, memory? Memory. Are you alive? Or are you just a personification of my imagination, which is lazily streaming my life and energy from reality into thought. Into a world of illusions, symbolism, myths, metaphors, personifications and symphonies. Memory… My friend, rival, or a demon? Memory, farewell.

I don’t need you anymore, memory. Go your own way, as you have always done and wished for, memory. Go and come back, when you wish. I will not be waiting for you, but I will be glad of a visit, as I would be of an old friend, and I will share with you again, memory.

I don’t need you anymore. I have learned to trust myself. I don’t need you anymore, memory. You, and the consolation of the old days. I don’t know, but I see more, when I am alone. I don’t understand, but I know what I must, where I wish to go. I don’t know how, but I understand why I am here. Although maybe not in words. Memory. When I die, we will meet whole again, you and me. Without holes in the faces and masks tied up around them. When I die…

Po slovensko

Freedom

I believe I am allowed only one
true physical love in this world/life,
for, and unto which I sacrifice
all other,
lesser variables, and forms of being,
no matter how hard a moment is,
or how devoid of hope one’s mind becomes,
and even when you run out of ground
to walk on, and enter the “Abyss,”
with joy, and an open heart
I follow where ever my path leads.

Loyally.

It is my soul’s own revelation
of itself – to me,
the only way I can understand it
-through experience.

What exactly is, what was, and what will be
is not important anymore,
for it is all exactly as
preordained by my soul – myself.

Every moment is just a
reincarnation of a past one,
carrying with it the experiences
– the pains, the joys, the gains,
and the losses, the ugly,
and the beautiful –
of the moments past.

Like this, we carry on with our
lives. Moment by moment.
Most of us without ever recognising,
or giving recognition, to this
pattern.

Our lives are never truly
chaotic – they are preordained
through the very core of our each
individual being.

We are blessed.

We do not have to see,
or know,
or even be aware of our purpose.

We have no choice,
but to live it.

THAT is humanity’s freedom.

Time for a change!

Politics, violence, drug abouse, stupidity, manipulation, destruction, misinformation, open lying and bullying. Stealing. Decline and destruction of values. General apathy and backstabbing for comfort.

And no, I am not talking about the world or any single country or politics. Well, maybe I am, but that is not my purpose.

I am talking about myself. There is not a single thing there that I have NOT done in my short life. Mostly to myself and some to others. I guess I’ve always known that subconsciously and because of that, I think I automatically dissociated myself from others and spent a lot of my time on my own. Usually for longer periods of time.

It is an unhappy decline. It wasn’t all that bad as I make it sound. The words themselves (and me) have a tendency to create dramas out of ordinary situations. Nevertheless, i am ‘guilty’ of all that. The worst part is that I believe I’ve known this all along. General disrespect of my desires for cheap comfort and occasional expectation of another. Just enough to keep me floating.

Now, I have been slowly (really slowly) changing my ways and attitudes towards the living for almost as long as I can remember, but always sooner rather than later an obstacle came my way that I was just not willing to overcome. Most general excuses? That’s not what I signed up for, not now, maybe I don’t really want to, I don’t have energy for this. Take your pick.

After a while all of this just gets too brutal too handle. The lies you tell yourselves, you don’t ever believe them, not really. But then again, given enough time, you forget the truth(s). And that is painful. When every atom of your being feels the lies and wrongs done to it, but you don’t even know the rights, there’s so much shit pilled in.

At that point I decided it has to stop. It took me some to really decide that it is (finally) the time for me to undergo a serious change in how i perceive, act and function in this world. A fundamental change and clean up of all the obsolete processes and thoughts that built up in me over those last years and in fact my whole life.

By then I’ve crossed the point of no return. My past and my shortcomings that started bombarding me from all sides (and still do) brought me down on my knees and almost entirely destroyed my life. Or at least the one I knew.

No matter, the changes, although inreasing their pace, proved to be much slower and more painful than I expected at first. Patience, a bit of work and dedication to my way and goal(s) made it possible for me to get to the point where I could breathe, walk and talk with a much lighter heart. They also brought me to the point where I can begin working on the real changes I want. And their time has come.

I don’t like many of the things I did, but there is still a lot more that I did that I absolutely love and adore. And there is even more that I still want to do. It is the time for pain and beauty. The beautiful agony of freedom and love.

Peaceout 🙂

The Way

Everything has its way.

Some things a more natural one that others. It is the way of life. See? The language does not lie, as it is not only a means of communicating with one another, it is also a means of communicating with ourselves and the universe. It is a conscious thought given form to interact with us and expand and broaden our sense of the universe and life. It is always changing and transforming through different sounds and letters and words and phrases that shape it into the form recognisable to us. It is a beautiful thing and as it always is with beautiful things, it has its thorns and it can hurt us deeply. Just think of a poorly chosen word sometime in your life and the consequences of that one word. Every one of us had that experience. Even mutes, because all forms of communication are part of the Language – the universal language from which we derive all languages of our own.

It would be naive to think that each language is a solitary form of expression. They are all intertwined. Similar sounds have similar meanings – to people with similar viewpoints on it. That is where our ‘culture’ and upbringing shape our perceptions of it and how we understand the world surrounding us through it. But any language can still be integrated with another, no matter the cultural and perceptional differences. Also every new form of language we master grants us new understanding of how everything is connected.

I will leave you to wander in your thoughts now, alone. I just wanted to say hello, but that went badly. Also, this blog is bilingual (to a degree), as I love to write in both English and Slovenian. They both have their weaknesses and strengths and both are beautiful in their unique way. One more than the other, but you can decide that on your own, if you ever go through the trouble to learn the other one as well. =)

Peace!

Po slovensko

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